Bill Bartmann's
Self Esteem Secrets

During the course of our life we will ask thousands and thousands of questions. Some will be silly, while others will border on the profound. They will range from the ever popular, “how much?” to “will you marry me”. We will ask questions to find the answers to things we want to know…and on occasion we will ask questions to find the answers to things we really don’t want to know.

Yet, of all the questions that we will ask during the course of our lifetime, there are two that we rarely ever ask, and amazingly, they are the two most important questions of all. They are simply “WHAT IF” and “WHY NOT”.

So many of us live our life on “auto-pilot” or “cruise-control”. We do what we do because that’s what we have always done. We are where we are, because that’s where we ended up. We find our selves going through life letting our past decisions or circumstances control our future. Yes, we are where we are because of the decisions we made – but that doesn’t mean we have to stay there. The future is all we have left! And the good news is we can make new decisions that will change the future.

By asking “WHAT IF”, we begin to see the entire spectrum of possibilities beyond our mundane daily view. We begin to see a whole different world where we can Be, where we can Do & where we can Have those things that we once dreamt of but since have long forgotten.

Here are some “what ifs” you should consider:

“What if” I called my spouse or partner – right now, for no reason other than to tell him or her how much he/she means to me? How would this make that person feel? How would this positively affect our relationship?

“What if” I told a co-worker “thanks for what you do – I appreciate you”? How would this make that person feel? How would this affect and improve that person’s attitude and performance?

“What if” I go home from work tonight and gather up my children and do something absolutely spontaneous? What if I go home and load them up in the car and take them bowling, take them to the zoo, take them to the Aquarium or just take them to some place fun? How would my kids react? Would this be one of the memories they will cherish forever?

“What If” I took a class at night to further my education to advance my career? How good would I feel about myself when I accomplished this goal? How would my employer view me after I accomplished this goal?

“What if” I admitted how unfulfilled my current job made me feel and then resolved to make it better or find a new one? How would I feel if I could enjoy coming to work instead of dreading it? How would such a change impact me and others in my life?

“What if” I looked at where my life was heading and decided to change direction? How many years do I really have left and how many of them would be vastly improved by a decision made now? How would this decision affect me and those I love?

“What if” I got off the couch and decided to get in better physical shape? How would that affect my health and my relationships? How many years would I add to my life?

“What if” I asked a sincere and genuine “WHY NOT” of each of these “What If” questions?

Quit reading this Column and get on the phone. Right now there is someone who needs to hear how you feel about them. When you finish with that one, start checking off the rest of them one at a time as you ask a genuine and life-changing “What if”.

File under: failure, success, self esteem

I give speeches for a living. Most of my speeches relate to things I have personally experienced. Every now and then I get a chance to talk about someone else. When I get that chance, I tell my “Jimmy Brown” story.Jimmy Brown is a kid that grew up in Bixby, Oklahoma. His dad worked for me so I got to meet Jimmy when he was only 12 years old. Since then Jimmy and I have had plenty of chances to talk as he was growing up.

When I tell my “Jimmy Brown” story, I tell people about a kid who had a goal to become an international photo-journalist.

I tell them how unlikely this goal was for this kid.

I tell them about the challenges that this kid faced and how the odds were so stacked against him.

I tell them about how all of his friends thought he was stupid for having such a goal.

I tell them about how he went to his Bixby High School guidance Counselor, Mrs. Wallace. I tell them about how Mrs. Wallace believed in him and encouraged him.

I tell how Mrs. Wallace gave him a camera. It wasn’t much of a camera, but it was a camera.

I tell them how Jimmy took that camera and started shooting anything that would hold still…and some things that wouldn’t.

I tell them about his college educational experiences and how he bounced from one school to another – going to four different colleges in two years, and how he finally just threw in the towel.

I tell them how he took crappy jobs in no-name newspapers just to get experience.

I tell them how this kid took “payless” jobs and “minimum wage” jobs just to be involved in the industry, even if it wasn’t on the working end of a camera.

I tell them about how this kid started traveling the world alone, at an age when most people his age were focused on getting “wrecked” on Saturday night.

I tell them about how he advanced from low rent - low tech equipment to more expensive, more sophisticated equipment.

I tell them about how he (in spite of his difficulties in the educational system) learned how to write, learned how to compose and learned how to communicate by written word and by photo.

I tell them how this kid “who couldn’t make it in school” became a walking encyclopedia of the history and culture of every foreign country he visited. A knowledge that is indispensable for a master of this craft.

I tell them how on his own initiative he got a job in Cambodia working for a paper in a job he really didn’t want in the hopes that his opportunity would eventually come.

I tell them how he proved his capability by doing anything and everything that needed to be done.

I then get to tell them that this kid has accomplished his goal. He now “IS” a photo-journalist and he has sold photos to the AP.

I also get to tell them that this isn’t the end of the story… this is just the beginning!

I tell them to start reading the name under the photos they see in newspapers and magazines, because soon, they are going to see the name of Jimmy Brown.

I tell them when they see that name, to remember a kid with a broken down camera - and a goal that wouldn’t be denied!

That’s the way I always ended my “Jimmy Brown” story – until today.

Today, November 3, 2005, the front page of the New York Times has a photo taken in Cambodia relating to the Bird Flu. Under the photo is the name – Jimmy Brown along with the words “ for the New York Times”.

At age 24 he made the front page of the National Edition of the New York Times.

Jimmy is shooting film in remote spots all over the world - all because somebody believed in him.

Somewhere out there is your “Jimmy Brown”. Someone, maybe your son, your daughter, your nephew, niece or neighbor – who right now needs someone to believe in them. Go believe in someone – tell them how much you believe in them. Support them in their goals – even if you don’t think it is possible – if you encourage someone – they can make it possible.

File under: failure, success, self esteem

Having traveled the road from - being born into poverty - to becoming a millionaire (the first time) – to going broke – to becoming a millionaire (the second time), to going broke, to becoming a billionaire (yeah, that one started with a “B”) - to going broke – to becoming a millionaire (the third time) – I’ve learned some things about success and failure.I have learned the secret of overcoming failure:

We have to OVERCOME our calamity before we can BECOME SUCCESSFUL. We can’t become successful while still living in the negative side of our tragedy, loss, defeat or failure.

So how do we do that? Very simply by understanding the process. I have learned that there are three distinct stages in the journey from failure to success. I have also learned that a person has to move through all three stages each time they suffer a tragedy, loss, defeat or failure. And, I have also learned that the pace with which you move through these three stages is entirely of your own choosing

THREE STAGES:

1. In the first stage we view the calamity from the perspective of “what I lost - as a result of what happened”.

This is Stage 1. The blame and complain stage.

2. In the second stage we view the calamity from the perspective of “what do I still have – in spite of what happened”.

This is Stage 2. The assessment and acceptance stage.

3. In the third stage we view the calamity from the perspective of “what have I gained – because of what happened”.

This is Stage 3. The appreciation and relegation stage.

We all know what appreciation is.

Relegation is when we are able to assign an event or an experience to a very small place in our memory bank.

Right now, each of us can think of some NEGATIVE thing that happened in our past and at that moment we thought the world had come to an end.

Whether it was the loss of a job
The death of a loved one
The ending of a relationship
The failure of a business.

Remember the anxiety, the fear, the anger, the depression & even the hopelessness that we created in our own mind – because of how we viewed the “fact” that happened.

With the passage of time, and as the pain and trauma began to subside – we moved to Stage 2 – and began to acknowledge what we still had - in spite of what happened.

And finally, the day came that we were able to look back at what was once viewed as a tragedy, loss, defeat or failure and see what we had gained because of what happened. It was then, that we were able to relegate that incident – to a small place in our memory bank.

How did it go from so important – to so unimportant?

What is different today versus the day that the event occurred?

THE FACT DIDN’T CHANGE:

WE DID LOSE THE JOB – that’s still a fact
WE DID EXPERIENCE THE LOSS OF A LOVED ONE – that’s still a fact
THE RELATIONSHIP DID END – that’s still a fact.
THE BUSINESS DID FAIL – that’s still a fact.

Those things are all “FACTS” and facts don’t change…so what did change?

ONLY ONE THING CHANGED: We changed the way we viewed the “fact”.

Today – we view it clearly, we see the event – the “fact” for what it really was – not what we thought it was.

Since we all know this phenomenon happens. Wouldn’t it then be better to accelerate the process? Of course it would.

Life is short. Why should we spend so much of our life, consumed with a problem – when perhaps we could get over the same problem in 1⁄2 the time.

We began to feel better about the “fact” as soon as we started to look at the situation differently.

WE DON’T HAVE TO DENY THE FACTS – NOR – DO WE HAVE TO CHANGE ANY OF THE FACTS THAT OCCURRED – WE JUST NEED TO VIEW THEM DIFFERENTLY.

When something bad happens, we shouldn’t sit back and wait for the inevitable passage of time to “get over it”. We instead, should speed up the process by immediately getting out of Stage 1, where we are blaming someone – and get to stage 2, where we recognize what we “still have” in spite of what happened. If we do that, we will quickly find our self at Stage 3. By making a conscious effort we can speed up the process and get back to becoming a success much more quickly.

File under: failure, success, self esteem

The last several generations of Americans have grown up watching cartoons. Though the names and faces of the cartoon characters have changed over the years, some of the simple truths spouted by the characters remain true today.

One of the popular cartoons of my childhood era was “Popeye The Sailor Man”. For those of you too young to know, or too old to remember let me tell you about Popeye. Popeye spent most of his time rescuing his girlfriend “Olive Oyl” and his buddy “Wimpy” (who uttered the famous line, “I will gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today”) from the evil schemes of the cartoon nemesis, “Bluto”.

Most of the segments followed a common theme. Bluto would capture Olive Oyl or Wimpy and Popeye would attempt to come to the rescue. Invariably, Bluto who was much bigger and stronger than Popeye would then proceed to beat the tar out of Popeye. Just when you thought old Popeye was done for and that evil was going to triumph over good, a can of spinach would appear (hey, it was TV) and Popeye would gulp down the spinach and become rejuvenated. (I think Vince McMahon and the World Wrestling Federation learned everything they know from this cartoon) After gulping down the spinach and flexing his now reinvigorated muscles, Popeye would utter his then famous line “I am what I am and that’s all that I am. I am Popeye the sailor man!” He would then give a couple of toots on his corn-cob pipe and thump Bluto into submission, rescue his pals and the cartoon would come to another happy ending.

Forty years later, those words, “I am what I am, and that is all that I am” have come to take on a whole new and very profound meaning. Popeye knew who he was and accepted himself for what he was – he acknowledged both his strengths and limitations. He didn’t allow someone else’s opinion of him to change the opinion he had of himself.

Sadly, most of us don’t have Popeye’s strength of character and self- assuredness. Most of us allow someone else’s opinion of us (expressed or implied) to impact our own opinion of us.

When we do something stupid (and we all have done something stupid) – and people call us stupid, we believe them.

When we fail at some task (and we all have) – and people call us losers or failures, we believe them.

When someone lets us know that they think we aren’t as good-looking; as strong or as smart as someone else, we believe them.

When someone lets us know that they think we “aren’t cool” because we are wearing the wrong logo on our clothes or tennis shoes, driving the wrong kind of car, living in the wrong part of town or some other silly thing, we believe them.

Yes, we all have done some stupid things – but that didn’t make us stupid.

Because we also know we have done some smart things.

Yes, we all have failed at some things – but that didn’t make us a failure.

Because we also know we have succeeded at other things.

Yes, we are not as good-looking, as strong or smart as some – but that doesn’t make us ugly, weak or dumb.

Because we also know there are others who think we are good-looking, strong and smart.

Yes, sometimes we do wear less chic clothes, or drive a less exotic car or live in a less than perfect neighborhood, but that doesn’t have anything to do with WHO & WHAT we are.

Because all of these things are subject to change with the next paycheck or a slight passage of time.

Your opinion of yourself should be a true and accurate opinion. It should be one that is supported by facts, logic and intellectual integrity. It shouldn’t be based on emotion. It should be an opinion upon which you can comfortably rely. It should be one that can withstand any challenge because it is based on hard cold reality not some unsupported opinion by someone who isn’t qualified to express an accurate opinion.

The next time you are about to let someone else’s opinion of you change your own opinion of you, ask yourself this series of simple questions.

Who knows me better – them or me?
Who is more qualified to formulate an opinion of me – them or me?
Who has access to more facts & information about me – them or me?
Who can be more honest about me – them or me?
Who has seen all of my positives as well as all of my negatives – them or me?
Who has more at stake – them or me?
Who is without a bias- them or me?
Who is without an agenda – them or me?

By being honest with yourself and asking and answering these simple questions you will quickly realize – they don’t have the same amount of information that you have and because of their lack of information, their opinion should be dismissed as unworthy of consideration.

The bottom line is simply: The only opinion of you that matters – is your own.

We worry so much about other people’s opinion of us – but the only one that really matters is our own.

Nobody knows you better than you know yourself – so never let anyone else’s opinion of you trump your opinion of you.

If this doesn’t work, I am afraid we are going to have to resort to the spinach.

File under: self image, self belief, self esteem

I’m not suggesting that we teach our kids to become braggarts or boastful. Rather we should teach them to be honest and fair. We encourage them to be honest and fair with others – we should also teach them to be honest and fair with themselves.We should teach them to have the same degree of honesty with their successes as they have with their failures.

They shouldn’t be in denial about either. Nor should they exaggerate either.

They should be fair and treat success and failure equally - because they are equal. They are the exact opposite of each other – one is not more important or of a higher value than the other.

It is dishonest and unfair to teach our kids they should be ashamed, embarrassed or feel like something very bad and traumatic has happened when they make a mistake…and then turn right around and tell them they should downplay their successes, achievements and accomplishments.

This is important because of how Self Esteem is formulated in our mind.

Let me explain:

Self Belief is our internal view of our self.

This internal view is the product of the data that is retrieved when the subconscious mind searches for information regarding our capability to perform the mission at hand.

Before we begin any new task our subconscious checks our memory bank for the answer to these three questions:

Do I really think I can do this thing?

Do I really think I can have this thing?

Do I really think I can be this thing?

Since our memory bank doesn’t give all of the information it has gathered the same priority – it retrieves most quickly the data we told it was the most important.

It will allow us to recall in an instant a trauma we had as a child – and forget what we did yesterday or last week.

For most of us, our subconscious mind will find a lot more negatives than positives.

Why does that happen – are we all just a big bunch of losers?

No! Quite to the contrary – we are winners. We have all had many more accomplishments, successes, victories than we have had screw-ups, mistakes or failures - but we are also the victim of a very bad habit.

We have been taught to let MODESTY – trump HONESTY!

WE NEED TO BE HONEST – NOT MODEST!

When we experience our successes, our accomplishments, our achievements, our awards, our compliments, our praises – we have been taught to be modest. We have been taught to say “aw shucks – it was no big thing” or “anyone could have done it” or some equivalent statement.

How many of us have done that very thing? We’ve blown off a compliment. We downplayed an accomplishment – because we didn’t want anyone to think we were bragging or being IMMODEST.

We have been taught to downplay our successes. Now that might not have been so bad if we also had been taught to downplay our failures…but no, that is not at all what happens.

We get the double whammy – we are taught to downplay our successes, our accomplishments and achievements - and at the same time we are taught to make a big deal out of our mistakes, our failures.

When our subconscious mind searches our memory bank to see if it thinks we can safely accomplish a particular task…it finds plenty of negatives and not very many positives. Our subconscious mind can quickly find our negatives because we gave them so much importance.

Our subconscious mind has trouble finding our positives because we treated them as so unimportant.

If we had been HONEST instead of MODEST, if we had given our successes as much attention as we have given our failures - our subconscious mind would have retrieved ALL of our previous accomplishments. It would then have drawn an entirely different conclusion regarding our ability to accomplish that particular task. It then would have begun to assist us in the effort – instead of doing the exact opposite.

WE NEED TO BE HONEST – NOT MODEST